Dear Olive,

this is my first post like this. but i felt like i wanted to express different feelings i have in someway, and i know that's not a great description of what i'm attempting to do but this is how i'm doing it. now let's get this stream of consciousness f l o w i n '.

i used to absolutely hate when people would say to and about their babies, "stop growing up!" or a variety of similar phrases. all with the same intent; to somehow convince an infant to stay just how they are forever. i thought it was selfish. i thought, you are so lucky that you get to experience every moment of this person's life with them, and each will be as special as the last. so enjoy it, crazy pants. plus, realistically i don't think many people truly want the lack of sleep and two way communication + the surplus of poopy diapers that come with having an infant forever. overall, it was a stupid thing for people to say in my opinion.

but just recently, it all made sense and i was eating my words. it wasn't the state of infancy that mother's want to hold on to, it's their babies.

ohhhhh. i get it.

those first few years, your baby needs you for everything. EVERYTHING. food, help to go to sleep, love, comfort, everything. this creates this feeling within a mother--that baby is completely yours. i understand people don't "belong" to people. but my baby is mine. olive, you are mine. and it's not something that you'll ever be able to understand until you have your first baby. but that list above causes me to feel that way. you need me. i am responsible for you. you love me with a perfect innocence. you won't go to sleep without my hand on your chest and you look up every few seconds to make sure i haven't left. you scream mama at the top of your lungs when you wake up and realize i'm not there anymore. you follow me around from room to room, just to be by me. and don't take to anyone quite like you've taken to me. no one in this world will love you as much as i do. i would kill for you. and it's a feeling i have for no one else. i look at you and each time my heart might explode. you are me. even though you're only 8 months, you have my nose crinkle, you sing nonsensical songs, and you love cuddles.

and someday soon, you'll become independent, stubborn, and plenty smarter than i am. and i won't be able to snuggle you at 3 am in our rocking chair anymore. i won't be with you every second of every wonderful day. supposedly, you might even get annoyed at me from time to time. i never want that to come. i always want you to need me. i always want to look at each other and laugh for no reason other than we just love each other. i always want you to be my best friend. i always want to make you happiest. i always want to be the person you call for when you need anything at all. because you're my baby.

i didn't realize until time started passing that it passes so fast. so. fast. you become more amazing each day, and each day you drift a little further from me.

i'm excited to be there with you when you are excited. and sad when you're sad. but i pray that you will stay my baby, at least a little bit, until someone loves you more than i do. please.